


as far as i can see, nobody's listening (as far as i can tell, you aren't either)

by nanaisms (sanhascroissant)



Series: behind the mask, who are we really? [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, Heartbreak, Huang Ren Jun-centric, Idols, Lack of Communication, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Pining, Sad, Sorry to renhyuck, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love, fools in love who don't know it yet, idolverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:06:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22449154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanhascroissant/pseuds/nanaisms
Summary: Lee Donghyuck has no idea what he does to Huang Renjun, and it’s infuriating. What’s more infuriating is that Renjun justacceptsit, because — upsettingly — he’s come to realize that he’d accept anything for Donghyuck.It's supposed to be nice. It's supposed to beeasy.Renjun's not supposed to fall in love.Or; Renjun may feel out of place, and he may not love Lee Jeno as much as he originally thought he did, but at least he's got Donghyuck. Oh wait, he doesn't.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, One-sided Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, One-sided Lee Jeno/Huang Ren Jun
Series: behind the mask, who are we really? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573072
Comments: 34
Kudos: 116
Collections: BBBFest Debut Round: The Bittersweet Option





	as far as i can see, nobody's listening (as far as i can tell, you aren't either)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> If you have just stumbled across this fic, I would like to let you know that this fic is THE SECOND PART OF A THREE PART SERIES, and some things just really aren't gonna make sense unless you've read the first part!
> 
> With that out of the way, this is my second fic for BBB (Bleak Boyband Bingo), and in this fic, we touch upon some of the ones from the last one, as well as some new ones! So here are the squares it fills:
> 
> 1\. can't remember the last time you heard you name pronounced correctly  
> 2\. all eyes averted from the trainwreck member  
> 3\. we talk a little bit more about donghyuck's stage name complex!
> 
> Thank you to yoon for reading through the one makeout scene because i know nothing of the laws of this land (grammar) or making out so mwah yoon ily the most <3333 (yoon is englishsummerrain on ao3 and @rapperdonghyuck on twt!!!)
> 
> I hope you all enjoy the second part of the series, and look forward to the third and final part, the finale, if you will!  
> Leave KUDOS AND COMMENTS (!!!!) if you enjoy ! i am very excited to hearing what you all think <3
> 
> i hope you enjoy! happy reading <33
> 
> \- robin <3  
> @sanhascroissant on twt

Lee Donghyuck has no idea what he does to Huang Renjun, and it’s infuriating. What’s more infuriating is that Renjun just _accepts_ it, because — upsettingly — he’s come to realize that he’d accept anything for Donghyuck. 

He doesn’t know when things changed, when exactly it was that he looked in the practice room mirror and he focused on Donghyuck rather than Jeno. Renjun has always been pragmatic — once something has happened, there’s no point going back and trying to figure out why. But he still can’t help but wonder. 

It probably all started when Renjun debuted in a group — he remembers the day that he was told with sparkling clarity, ushered into a room by a manager who never got his name quite right, surrounded by a group of trainees.

He recognized Mark Lee, Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno, Park Jisung, Lee Donghyuck. They were a part of SM Rookies, the coveted pre-debut team, guaranteed to stand on the stage, and standing here alongside them filled Renjun with a confidence he hadn’t known he needed.

They didn’t get his name _quite_ right either. They still don’t, even though they try.

They stood in awkward silence until the door to the conference room opened once more and they were joined by a boy, barely younger than them but older than Jisung. Zhong Chenle squeaked, clearly surprised, but fell silent when the manager began to speak, explaining that they would debut together as NCT Dream. 

Not even the news that they would eventually graduate was enough to dispel the sheer relief that filled Renjun’s chest at those words. The weight of a thousand nights spent awake in a dark practice room dripping sweat onto the wooden floor evaporated as though it had never been there and was replaced with a new weight — the desperation to remain a part of this team, no matter what the cost.

Lee Jeno was made to drive Renjun crazy. Jeno’s smile made him want to throw all that he had worked for away, made him want to tell everyone how he _really_ felt. Lee Jeno’s beautiful strength made Renjun feel oddly safe, but at the same time, Renjun knew intrinsically that this, _him and Jeno,_ was not something that would ever be possible.

He watched Jeno dance, sweat dripping from his brow to christen the wooden floor of the practice room, and Renjun couldn’t stop himself from saying, 

“You know, Jeno. You make me want things that I can’t have.”

Jeno faltered, turning to Renjun. “What was that?” He tried his best to raise his voice over the music that thrummed through the wooden floor beneath Renjun’s feet, but Renjun just waved it away with a flimsy smile. 

“Not important!” He yelled back, and Jeno grinned, flashed a thumbs up, and returned to dancing. The moment he looked away, Renjun felt his smile fall. _Lee Jeno_ , he thought to himself. _You have no idea what you do to me._

They debuted, and frustratingly, the feelings didn’t go away. Jeno was too kind, too considerate, asking Renjun to say his name again and again for him to hear as he tried his best to pronounce it right.

He never quite got it, but Renjun’s heart swelled at the effort nonetheless. 

He watched Chenle and Jisung grow closer, observed the bond between Jaemin and Jeno, saw the clear camaraderie between Mark and Donghyuck. He spent a lot of nights lying awake in his bed, Jisung snoring above him, wondering where he fit in to it all. He thought he had the group dynamics worked out, thought he knew who was close to who, and he didn’t see a place for him anywhere.

In fact, he was on the brink of coming to terms with this fact when Jaemin injured his back, and anything Renjun thought he knew about the dynamics of his own group was flipped on its head. 

Jaemin fell with a sickening _crack,_ hitting the floor of the practice room hard, and Renjun barely had time to blink before Donghyuck’s scream ripped through the air and he was by Jaemin’s side, beating even Jeno. 

“Jaemin, oh my god, _Jaemin_. _Fuck!”_

“Donghyuck!” Mark rushed over and put a hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder. “ _Haechan!”_ Donghyuck didn’t respond, muttering Jaemin’s name over and over again as the room descended into chaos. The staff rushed out for medics and Jeno rubbed comforting circles into Jaemin’s shoulder as he lay prone, tears dripping from his eyes to pool together on the floor, his dream likely torn right from his hands in the midst of realization. Donghyuck sobbed into Mark’s shoulder as Chenle and Jisung huddled beside Jeno, and Renjun stood frozen at the center of it all, overwhelmed by the speed at which everything can go wrong. But despite it all, he could only form one coherent thought. _Lee Donghyuck is in love with Na Jaemin._

It was painfully obvious now that he’d noticed — after all, it takes one to know one. 

Mark and Renjun shared a knowing glance across the practice room as Donghyuck sobbed his eyes out by Jaemin’s side, but they never, ever talked about it.

In fact, nobody _ever_ said anything about Donghyuck and his increasingly erratic behavior, even when Jaemin’s hiatus stretched out over the better part of two years. He didn’t sleep enough or eat enough — he became someone that Renjun didn’t recognize. 

He thought he knew who Donghyuck was. With Jaemin gone, Renjun was forced to confront the reality that maybe he never knew him as well as he thought he did. 

Maybe none of them did.

He knew Chenle and Jisung talked about it amongst themselves, and he saw the worrying looks cast between Mark and Jeno, but they all seemed to silently come to the agreement that nobody would talk to Donghyuck about the seemingly permanent dark shadows beneath his eyes, the new, mildly sickly sheen to his skin, or his recently developed habit of staying up all night long to play video games instead of sleeping — and they definitely wouldn't talk about the blatantly obvious reason for all of these developments.

Looking back, Renjun wishes he had said _something_ , _anything_ , but he knows that at the time, there was no space in Donghyuck’s world for him, so entirely eclipsed and consumed by love for Jaemin that it was slowly killing him. 

Renjun’s world was slowly beginning to turn around Donghyuck rather than Jeno, even if he hadn't realized it yet. As Haechan threw himself back into idol life, rubbing his voice raw between practice and his activities in 127, Renjun left ramen outside his door, prepared two mugs of tea in the morning instead of one, and kept a close eye on Donghyuck as he danced like a madman in front of the practice room mirror.

He practiced his turns again and again until he could do them so smoothly nobody noticed the slight shaking of his hands or the pain deep in his eyes.

Well. Even if they noticed, they never said anything.

Thankfully, Jaemin got better. _Donghyuck_ got better. Renjun was able to go back to mooning silently over Jeno without worrying any more about Donghyuck. 

As 127 and U promotions began to kick into high gear, Donghyuck and Mark were absent more and more. Worse, the first dreaded graduation was hanging over their heads, Mark finally coming of age. 

With all his other promotions between U and 127, Renjun knew it was foolish to hope that Mark would stay in Dream. In fact, it was probably better for him to cut down on activities — he always looked a little worse for wear. But at the same time, Mark was a part of their group. He’d been there through it all, not just as a member, but as their _leader_ , and Renjun didn’t know what the fuck they were going to do without them.

Looking back on it, maybe he was a little bit more worried about what _Donghyuck_ would do without him. Maybe he was more worried about what it meant for the rest of them — him, Jeno, Jaemin, the ones without another unit — that he really _was_ graduating. The dream was coming to an end, and they were all starting to wake up.

Either way, it sucked.

They all cried at the Dream Show, some of them on stage, some of them managing to keep it together until they got backstage. Renjun changed out of his stage outfit as Mark filmed a goodbye video on the opposite side of the room. He felt strangely detached, going over to sit beside Jeno when was done changing. He took comfort in his constant steadiness, the kindest of smiles on his face as he offered to share his chips with Renjun. 

Renjun smiled and took them, remembering why he loved Jeno. 

So Mark graduated. And then there were six. 

It felt like five most days. Dream might have been on hiatus, but 127 most certainly was _not._ They’d been signed by a company overseas, and more often than not, Donghyuck was out of the country touring with them and going on foreign talk shows. When he _was_ in the country, he stayed at the 127 dorms. For ages it was just Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin, and Jisung in the dorms all by their lonesome, nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Chenle came to visit and practice with them every day, but they saw neither hide nor hair of Haechan. He was always practicing for hours on end with 127 in preparation for their comeback as Dream practiced the same old choreographies again and again, waiting on news of a potential collaboration station with the British singer who had come to see them earlier in the year. 

When the news came back and the song was a go, Renjun had never been so happy to be doing something in his life. Practice renewed with fresh choreography, and Renjun threw himself into it gladly, relishing in the feeling of his body as it moved to the rhythm. 

He loved going back to vocal practice to learn his melody line to get ready for recording. He loved doing what he spent so many years working hard to have the privilege to do. 

Renjun didn’t work for years on his dancing and his singing and move away from his home country to sit around on the dorm’s couch all day. No, he _wanted_ this, _lived_ for this — the feeling of exhaustion after a good practice, the feeling of sound vibrating through his chest as he sang, the satisfaction of putting it all together in one cohesive performance. It set Renjun’s blood on fire in the best way possible, and it was at times like these that he remembered why he left home, why he joined SM Entertainment, why he worked so hard to debut. 

But there were still moments when he was tired, when he all that he was doing didn’t seem like it was enough, when he felt out of place and alone in Korea, a country that — though he loved it dearly — would never be home. In those moments, he thought of his father’s quiet approval, the happiness in mother’s voice when he spoke to her on the phone, and Jeno’s eye smile, directed his way, and he found the strength to keep on going despite it all.

So months later when he saw Donghyuck break in an empty practice room, letting his love for Jaemin nearly destroy him once and for all, Renjun just couldn’t stay silent anymore. 

“You know, love isn’t a weakness, Donghyuck.”

And maybe that’s when it _really_ begins. 

»»————- ✼ ————-««

Before Renjun knows it, he’s in far too deep.

Months have gone by like this. He doesn’t know who started it, but what he does know is that both he and Donghyuck are heartbroken, lonely, and the only gay ones in the entire group — hell, probably in the entire company. It surprises him that he didn’t see it coming. Donghyuck is attractive — and he’s got enough self-esteem to admit that _he’s_ attractive — so it makes sense, objectively.

Donghyuck is nothing like Jeno. Jeno’s hair is jet black while Donghyuck’s is light brown. Donghyuck is scathing jokes where Jeno is kind smiles. Donghyuck is a bit shorter than Jeno, and his eyes have a different kind of sparkle, more mischievous. Jeno is devastatingly handsome, and so is Donghyuck, even now in the near darkness.

He and Donghyuck are back in a supply closet for what’s probably the third time this week — maybe Renjun would admit that things are getting out of hand if he wasn’t enjoying himself so much. 

Donghyuck gasps and Renjun surges forward, skin burning as he pushes until Donghyuck’s back is up against the wall, pressing open mouthed kisses down his neck as Donghyuck whimpers, lips pressed together in an attempt to muffle the sound. 

Donghyuck’s hand drops to Renjun’s waist, the other coming up to grasp the back of Renjun’s neck. Before Renjun can really register what’s happening, Donghyuck is spinning him around, practically slamming his back into the wall, regaining control. His hand slides up his shirt and Renjun wraps his arms around Donghyuck’s neck to reconnect their lips, letting his eyes fall shut for a moment. 

Renjun threads his fingers through Donghyuck’s hair and tugs, relishing the feeling of Donghyuck’s answering moan against his lips, wishing the moment would never end. 

_“Fuck,_ Renjun.”

“Oh god,” Renjun moans into the kiss. “God, Lee Donghyuck, I love you.” He’s silenced by Donghyuck kissing him harder, any coherent thought banished from his mind by the feeling of Donghyuck’s body against his.

It’s not until later, long after they’ve left the supply closet, that Renjun realizes what he’s done. It’s a monumental mistake, but there’s no taking it back now — he can only hope that Donghyuck doesn’t say anything.

It’s his fault for catching feelings. He and Donghyuck have been running around for months, kissing in the dorms, in public, in the practice rooms, explicitly to get over feelings — which hey, at least that part worked. If he was still in love with Jeno when it all began, he certainly isn’t now — Donghyuck has monopolized his entire being, stolen the heart right out of his chest and run away with it, and there’s nothing Renjun can do. Hell, there’s nothing Renjun even _wants_ to do — he’s oddly resigned to the reality of the situation. 

He’s gotten to know Donghyuck now, and Donghyuck is far more fragile than he wants other people to think. Renjun has heard the way he refers to Haechan as though he’s a separate entity from himself, has seen the hopelessness in Donghyuck’s eyes while he watches Jaemin, knows the soul-crushing pain that comes when the one you love is unable to love you back.

In Jeno’s case, he just didn’t like boys that way. In Donghyuck’s, he likes boys just fine — but Renjun isn’t the boy he likes the most.

Renjun wants to love Donghyuck with all he has. He wants to take Donghyuck out on overpriced dinner dates and hold hands while they walk along the river and take Donghyuck to meet his parents, but it’s not in the cards for them. Not with their career hinging on deranged teenage fantasies, not with the attitudes of the country they live in, and certainly not with Donghyuck’s own insecurities, repressed but never gone, threatening to resurface with a vengeance at any moment.

Renjun has learned the hard way that no matter how much you love someone, if they cannot love themselves enough to stand on their own, they are lost to you. Donghyuck can’t stand on his own two feet right now — hasn’t been able to for a long time. There’s to way for him to be in a fair partnership with Renjun.

Renjun _knows_ this, but he still finds himself one hundred percent willing to be Donghyuck’s crutch for as long as he needs, no questions asked. 

It’s dangerous. 

Renjun cannot bring himself to regret it.

»»————- ✼ ————-««

It’s two weeks before Donghyuck has the courage to raise the issue with him. Practice has ended and everyone else has gone home but the two of them, sitting quietly together in the now-empty practice room.

“What did you mean when you said that?” Renjun’s head is in Donghyuck’s lap. He’s warm and his fingers are calming, threading through Renjun’s hair. His back is up against the mirror, and Renjun doesn’t want to answer his question because all of this will shatter. 

“When I said what?” Renjun asks delicately. Tiptoeing, because he knows _exactly_ what Donghyuck is talking about, but with luck, he can avoid it a little bit longer. 

“You know what I’m talking about,” Donghyuck says lightly, but his hand tenses on Renjun’s scalp, and Renjun doesn’t like the undertone. He sits up, letting Donghyuck’s hand fall to his newly vacated lap. 

Their eyes meet, and Donghyuck’s are filled with a dark curiosity, a desperation for Renjun to give him the answer he wants. 

“Don’t you think you’re getting a little caught up in the act?” Donghyuck asks. “You don’t have to do that for me.”

“I’m not doing it for you,” Renjun scoffs, dismissing him with a wave, leaning back against the mirror and looking across the practice room. 

“Then why would you say that?” Out of the corner of his eye, Renjun can see that Donghyuck is still watching him, his lips beginning to turn up into a smile. “You can’t be serious.”

Renjun sighs, pushing himself to stand up, ready to leave. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”

Donghyuck laughs. First mistake. Renjun spins around to face him. 

“Fuck off, Donghyuck! Do you still think this is a fucking joke?” 

Donghyuck is shocked into silence where he stands against the practice room mirror, eyes wide as Renjun paces the length of the room, heart on fire. He wants to punch the living daylights out of Donghyuck right now, but then again, that’s nothing new.

“I’m not in love with Lee Jeno, you stupid idiot. If you don’t know me well enough to know that by now, then _fuck you._ I’ve never said a word I don’t mean, _Haechan_.” Renjun spits Donghyuck’s stage name out like it’s poison, and it _is_. 

“But, you said —” Donghyuck’s eyes are wide.

“I said I love you!” Renjun explodes. 

“But Jeno —”

“Fuck. Jeno.”

“I thought that was the general idea.”

“Don’t try to deflect!” Renjun fumes, backing Donghyuck against the wall. He may be shorter than him, but Donghyuck shrinks under his ire, trying his hardest to lean back into the mirror to escape Renjun’s words. “If you don’t love me back, then let’s end this here and now. I’m not going to sabotage myself. I’m not you.”

Donghyuck doesn't say a word, trembling, his back up against the wall. 

Renjun slams his hand into the mirror beside Donghyuck’s head so hard that it cracks, lines splaying out from the point of contact like a spiderweb. Renjun grits his teeth. “I want an answer, goddamn it!”

The practice room falls into deafening silence, filled only by the sound of Renjun’s breathing, neither he nor Donghyuck moving. For a moment, it seems as though time is suspended, and then Renjun is stepping back, horrified by the crack in the mirror, heartbroken by Donghyuck’s silence, and overall certain that he cannot bear to be here anymore.

He turns to leave, and on the way out, he hears Donghyuck say, soft, small, and shaking, “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you what you want to hear.”

Renjun pauses, but he doesn’t dare turn around. He fixes his gaze straight ahead. His hand is already halfway extended to grab hold of the door handle, and he says, 

“Then there’s nothing more to say.”

He leaves, the door falling shut behind him with a soft click, the tears already beginning to spill down his cheeks as he closes his eyes, his skin burning and his heart contracting, feeling more alone and out of place than ever.

_Lee Donghyuck. Look at what you’ve done to me._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for coming this far with Renhyuck and their shenanigans! no happy ending guaranteed, but we'll see what happens when i write the next part, as this entire series has essentially been 100% based on my mood <3
> 
> thank you for reading! leave kudos and comments if you like <3333
> 
> until next time,  
> Robin  
> follow me @sanhascroissant on twt!


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